and after all this

all i want to know, is that i will always have a special place in your heart.

you were so much a part of me, such a large part. i just want to rest assured that you will always remember me.

i know you wont always love me. you wont always think of me. but i want you to always, always keep a little part of me with you. always.

is that too much to ask?

it happened again. the exact same way as the first time. except, it was with Jon and not Kevin. and it was in a dream.

i dont know why i dreamt it, is it a warning sign? should i get out now so im not the one hurt? but, if i did that, i would be hurt even more i think.

this is what happened:
with kevin, we had been dating over a year. in between twelve and thirteen months. and some mornings we would stand alone before school started. we would stand and talk about the fight we had had the night before. and sometimes i would cry and he wouldnt hold me or hug me.
but before this started occurring so often, he had told me over the phone one night that he didnt love me anymore.
he said, "kat, i have to tell you something." ..... "i dont think i love you anymore."
you can imagine my devestation. i wanted to die, i wanted to die more than anything else in the world. so i told my mom that and she kept me safe for the night.
i was stupid and after he told me that i begged him not to break up with me. i told him i loved him more than anything and blah blah blah. so i help on so much tighter than i had before. which made it worse, im sure. and then he broke up with me. we were just talking on the phone like every other night and he suddenly breaks up with me.
to tell the truth, i dont remember exactly what he said before or after that. i remember him saying "im breaking up with you, its over." i then said, "oh, okay. okay. bye kevin." and it was done.

i know im over him and i know its stupid, but this entire story of what happened between kevin and myself still haunts me. it haunts me so much that i dreamt that it happened again. but with Jon.
this time, in my dream, jon took me off to the side in a busy place and told me he didnt love me anymore and told me he was breaking up with me. and i replyed, "oh, okay. okay. bye jon." and then, yet again, it was done.

this dream is haunting me so much more than it should. i shouldnt let it become such a large part of my thoughts. it happened three days ago but i am still obsessing over it. i even told jon about it today. and he just said that the man in my dreams was a liar and that he does love me. which helped me a little but i still feel...bad because of this stupid dream.

i know i am one of those people who always needs someone. but i dont always need a boyfriend or a guy in my life. i just need people who love me. i know this. but it is so difficult to always convince myself of this truth.

i love jon, i really do. i know that now for sure. i just hope beyond anything else that he loves me the same. he says he does. and he deffinitely loved me more in the beginning that i liked him. but what if he starts to fall out of love with me, just like kevin did? i have come so far emotionally and mentally these past few months. i have gotten so much better. what if he stops loving me and i still love him? i dont know if i would be able to get over that again.

i want to feel something again. something i havent felt in a long long time. and the only way i can think of finding that feeling again is by talking to You.

goddamnit

starting tomorrow.

i am stopping. okay? okay. no more, no more. i will succeed.

i wish people still read this blog..

and i wish people didnt read my other blog

i want it so bad

600. thats how many i will let myself eat for the next three days.
400. thats how many i will be eating the next three days after that.
then 200.
and finally, 100 or less. no matter what. i want to get my body back. i will do anything. i will not eat, i will not be fat. no matter what.

im going to keep a food diary. i will get back what i want. i will be sick again, i know that. but i want that. so bad. i want it so bad.

i know no one reads this blog anymore..but thats alright

why do you worry about me? why does everyone worry?
like, i dont care if those bad things happen to me, i kinda want them to..
but why does everyone i know constantly worry about me? is it really that obvious that something is possibly seriously wrong?
god, im so screwed up..

I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT. i feel fat. sooo fat. i know im not, but i really just feel huge. i look in the mirror at my body and i absolutely want to cry. i know other people think im pretty. Jon thinks im sexy.. but i still hate my body. i have days where i think i look fine, where i think my body is kinda okay. but most of the time, i just wanna cut away at my body until im beautiful.

maybe i once was beautiful. maybe when i was a baby, before anyone ever told me i was fat or ugly. before other kids made fun of me. before i learned that the world isnt perfect. maybe way back then i was beautiful. because, after all, isnt beauty just in the mind? sure, it has something to do with physical look. but for the most part, i think its in the mind. i think that if i still believed, if i still truly knew that i was beautiful, then maybe i would be. but im not, and i dont believe that.

i know that no one wants me to lose weight. at least, not as much weight as i plan on losing. but i need to. maybe along the way, i will realize that i dont really need to lose anything and then ill be better. but first, i need to lose something, anything, everything.

and another thing, JON. i love him..so much. i know its too soon to be true, deep love. but im passionate about him. i havent been really passionate about anything in a very long time. not since..like, a year ago. i do believe that i love him. a lot. its not the kind of love that it will hopefully, eventually grow to be. but i think it is deep enough to be called love.

maybe i have moved pretty fast with him. but it just feels right. and maybe we wont last as long as kevin and i did. but at least i am happy for now, and i will most likely be happy with Jon the rest of the time i date him, until of course, we get bad or something and we break up. which, lets face it, will eventually happen. i mean, it happens to all of us. but i do love him. god, i cant say it enough. i just want to scream it. i want to tell everyone how i feel. because i finally feel something positive. and i havent felt that in a very long time. i missed it. i missed him. but i dont anymore. i am happy. I AM HAPPY. i. am. happy.

i know there is more that i need to say. but i just dont know what else there is. my mind is full right now. by the way, thank you to all of my friends who are worried about me. i dont want to seem like i dont care about you guys and like i dont care that you worry about me. but i just, i dont know, this is a path that i have chosen. and i am well cared for and there are lots of people looking after me right now. so if anything bad does start to happen, i know others will get control over the situation before it turns too ugly. i love all of you guys, my friends. you are all wonderful. thank you so much. really, thank you.

please dont ever let me go. i know that is a lot to ask, after all the shit that i put you guys through.

<3 ~kitty

so i like these two boys. and i dont know which i would prefer to date. actually..no. i dont know.

200

my head hurts
my eyes are dizzy
my throat burns
my stomach is eating itself
this is what I am
and I love it
because I can't hate something
that is killing me
when I don't want to live

i hope im not the only one to read this

maybe youre right. maybe we will never be friends. sure as hell, we will never be what we once were. but you know what? im okay with that. im happy. i know ill never love the same way again. ill be more careful. ill be reserved, ill be better at keeping me a secret. i have you to thank for making me this way. but heres the thing, I WILL LOVE AGAIN. im never going to love someone in the same innocent and niave way ever again. but i will love. i will love with a mature, healing heart. i will love with all of my soul. im capable of changing and loving. ive changed so much since us. i love it. i will never go back. and im glad. im fucking happy right now. so thank you, so much. thank you for making me who i am. thank you for helping me through my darkest days. thank you for being so great for a long time. and most of all, thank you for being not so great to me these past weeks. you are what was shaping me. now, its my turn to decide what to be. thank you, for everything. i do want to be friends, but i dont think the me that i am now and the you that you are now will ever get along. so good bye. thank you.

day 3

dear parents,
i know it may not always seem like it, but i do loved you guys. thanks for bring me into the world.
mom-you understand me more than dad an i know you like me more than he does. thank you for always being there for me. you have helped me through so much and even though you dont know everything about me and we do fight at times, i consider you one of my friends. you are a great mom and a good friend. thank you. i love you.
dad-i know you love me very much but sometimes i think you dont like me all that much. which is understandable, im very different from you. as i am getting better i think im liking you more now i think you are liking me more too. i hope so, at least. i do love you dad. you are a good father to rachel and to me now. you didnt used to be that great with me but i think you are getting there. thank you for being a dad to me. i do love you.
mom and dad, you two really are good parents. i know im lucky to have you guys. some of my friends parents are not as great as you two, so thank you. i love you guys, a lot.

day 2

dear crush,
i dont exactly know who youare. i have lots of guys friends that i love very much but i am fairly sure that i dont like any of them like that.
i have had many many crushes in my short life time. as i have gotten older, i have falled harder for you guys. but sadly i do not have a crush right now. i hope i will soon though. because i like the feeling of being in love. and right now im not. i have been before and i know that it is the best feeling in the world. i want to feel that way again about a crush.
i want to love you, my mysterious crush, and i want you to love me.
i hope i find a crush and i hope someone will find me as theirs.
dear crush, i love you.

things to do to be a real teenager.

me and halle are making a list of things to do to be a real teenager. here it is so far:

1. make out with someone random and at least somewhat attractive
2. skinny dip
3. smoke weed
4. sex
5. get the hot band guy's cell numbers and become friends at concerts
6. drink
7. get your heart broken
8. fall in love twice
9. sneak out and go somewhere you shouldnt
10. change something; someone elss/ourselves/time/etc.

day 1

ok, so, im doing a letter challenge from tumblr but i also feel obliged to post it on here as well. you have to write a letter every day for thirty days. and each day there is a specific person you write to. for example, today is day 1 and i must write to my best friend. here is my letter.

dear my two best friends,

i love you guys.

halle-i know im not always the funnest of your friends and im probably not your very best friend, but i love you. you know everything about me, you know how i work, you know me. you make me laugh, you make me feel loved. i like that you understand me and attempt to always make me feel better. you are always there for me, i know that.

connor-ha, you are great. i dont know if i am one of your best friends, but you definitely one of mine. thanks dude. you are funny and you would like to fix me. thank you for trying to understand me.

you two are what keep me going. i have lots of friends that i love so much but you guys are just, i dont know, awesome. you guys know me so well and for some crazy reason you still love me. you guys both make me laugh all the time and you are just wonderful. thank you, so much. i love you.

so..

things i happen to enjoy:

piercings
tattoos
spray paint
summer nights with you
vegetables
blogging
letters
shoes
goodbyes
super mario bros
tumblr
facebook
math
core work
mints
shopping
the beatles
kissing
time away from you
that topsy turvy feeling you get in your tummy when you are really feeling something
roller coasters
my cousin's girlfriend
the sound of bees
the smell of rain
pasta
getting new notebooks
when you text me first
playing pool
moving furniture
questions
cuddling
make up
storms
you

sometimes

Sometimes I think about what it all means, what does this life have to do with anything? Sometimes I wonder if you’re even worth it, if life is worth living. You, you are not worth it. But sometimes I wonder if I am. Am I worth the worry, the love, the life? Sometimes I think about you, I think and I wonder. Sometimes I remember, sometimes I forget. Sometimes I miss you, other times I miss me. Sometimes I realize that I really am crazy, and sometimes I don’t mind so much. But only sometimes.

Better

Summer nights, what are they for? I spend mine wasting away in my room, dying to be anywhere else, anyone else. Dying, dying, dying. What brings me back to life each night, it is my crutch, it is my power, my demon. It keeps me from feeling too much, but also from feeling too little. I don't want to feel numb ever again, I don't want to feel this way ever again. I just want to feel the right amount of feelings. I want to feel okay, neutral, better. Better than I am now, better than I will probably ever really be, but still better. That's all I want. On these lonely, god damned summer nights, I just want to be heard, to be known, to be better. I want you to talk to me, I want you to hear me, I want you to stop me. I just want someone to know, to hear, to care. I want them to be able to tell what I need and when, I want them to stop me. Stop me from using my crutch, my power, my demon. I want them to stop me from cutting, from bleeding, from dying each time. I want them, I want you, to make me feel better.

psssst

psst. do you hear that? are you listening? well i am. im paying attention. to all the little things. the tiny, insignificant things that truly matter to me, to you. yes, they do matter to you. even though you dont acknowledge it, they do. trust me. i am listening to the little ones, the big ones, the maybes, the yes's, the no's. im hearing the wind, the cries, the pleas, the laughs. im watching the men, the women, the children. i am paying attention. and you should too. it would do you good, even. it is healthy to notice the little things, the everything. its normal to wonder, to think, to ponder, to listen. so, do you hear that? that one thing over there? that is the one thing that matters. that is the tiniest, smallest, most unimportant thing there is. yet, it matters more than anything else. so please, listen to it. listen and watch and pay attention to it. to all of it.
psst, are you hearing that?

this girl
this girl i know,
she worries me.
i cant wake her up,
and make her see.
she has a problem,
its deep inside.
she's self destructive,
but tries to hide.
and with each cut,
she carves away,
more of herself,
everyday.
but the secret,
to her i see,
this girl i know,
she is me.



maybe we are all just a dream, maybe we are all just looking in at ourselves and our lives and the reason that we all always fail is because we dont know how to snap out of our dream-lives.

and another thing, i think the whole point to life is control. thats all it is. thats all there is. we are all fighting ourselves and eachother for control. control over one another, over ourselves, over everything we know. control is everything to us. it is just the way we are, i dont think that we mean to be such control-craving monsters, but we are none the less. so, do i have control? that is my question. that is what everyone is asking themselves. do we have control over our lives? is it really the end of the world if someone else is the master of us? my last year i have fought almost to the death for control of my own life. and i am starting to get it, but is it worth it? is it really all that its supposed to be? i dont know if i am ready to control my life right now, but i do know that i can not let anyone else control it for me. anyway, control is our whole purpose, our whole point. that is what we all are wanting, needing. i have a proposal, let us try to find control together, as one. then maybe we will stop fighting for it. we will stop trying to control eachother, and then we will work. and we will have control. and we will be happy.

numbers

so i was thinking, i know its a big deal, and i started to wonder about myself.
first off, what the hell is wrong with me? like, i always knew i was a little strange, but really, i am a freak. a big one. a big old fucking freak.
i get scared when you dont respond right away.
i fall into sadness when you dont talk to me.
i become a bitch when i think about you.
i think you are bitch when i talk with you.
i freak out about the little things.
i dont give a shit about the big things.
i care way too much though.
im scared of you and me together.
im scared of me not with you.
i still cant get over some certain facts.
im completely moved on about other facts.
i am really good at ignoring and forgetting bad things, in an unhealthy way.

im scared to death to let go of the sad, the bad. for fear of what they may be replaced with. what if i become happy? what then? how will it feel, to be that way most of the time? i dont know what i will do with out having the familiar sadness with me. im so scared of moving on. i dont know what i will be like.

all im really looking for is a place. somewhere to fit in with everything that im supposed to be. somewhere that i belong. i dont want an utopia or anything like that, i just want to have a place. a place in this world. this world of misfits and mishaps. of lovers and freaks. people who dont belong yet all get along. i just want to have a place to call my own. my place in this big bad world has to be found by me soon, or i dont know what i will do. what could i do?

im a confused and scared little girl who is okish at faking confidence and self-love. i can work out other's problems. but i have no idea what to do about my own.

i love you. please dont give up on me.

take two

alright, so. you make me nervous as hell. did you know that?
and you, you there, you make me happy like a kid.
did you know that?
you too, make me feel alive, like never before.
did you know that too?
you, yeah you. you make me feel everything i should. you are my better one.
did you know that at all?
you, oh you. you make me feel. you all make me feel.
know that now.

the wind.

the wind is blowing your cold heart away. lets hope it blows you far. the wind is blowing your hatred away. lets hope it blows it far from here. the wind is blowing us together. lets hope it keeps blowing. the wind is missing us now. lets hope it comes back to keep us together.

nothing:
something that is nonexistent;something or someone of no importance or significance

nothing. that is what i am. that is what we are. we are nothing. all of us, each and every one. we are all nothing. nothing matters, nothing is important. nothing is left between us. so therefore we are nothing. and nothing we will remain. nothing we will be.

40th post

lets just whisper
for one minute
keep it all quiet
no one will hear a word
and we will justify
all our actions
we will call forth
those who have fallen
and we will justify
their miseries
we will work for it
and we will see
that we cannot justify
the things we need

miss

i miss you so much. you know who you are. i miss the way we used to talk. i miss the way we used to be.
i miss you too. you know who i mean. i miss being with you. i miss the way you were with me.
i miss you. you know who you are. i miss when we used to be everything together. when we could do it all.
i miss you a lot. you know who i mean. i miss when would laugh and be ourselves.
i miss you. i mean me. i miss who i was. i miss who i will never be.

alone, part 2

i am alone so lets run away. from all our problems. from every single day. we will keep running, until we meet. somewhere in the middle, of this lonely street. we will find one another. and we will stay together. until one of us leaves, and one is left alone. we will abandon our lives. we can stay forever. in this kingdom they speak of. forever with each other. and as we run, we can talk our days away. we can sing and weep until we say, good bye. we will run and run and run. and no one will catch us. we will not stop. we will not let go. and yet, some day, you will leave me, i know. and i will be alone. without you by my side. not with one other person, in which to confide. and i will be here forever, on the loneliest street ever.

alone, part 1

loneliness
creeping about
all in my veins
no one to help
searching
for a way in
stopping my breath
wishing away
all that i am
bitterness
finding me here
running around
eating me up
hatefulness
growing inside
myself is gone
now is the time
to leave me
before
its too late
and then
deadliness
coming out
i am dying
you are leaving
killing all
my senses gone
and death
takes its toll
and we are alone
loneliness
creeping about us

36th post

me and my insides
me and my heart
are about to explode
because we're apart

me and my self
me and my brain
we are falling in love
we are going insane



i really do feel different. something is off. but not in a bad way. its good. its perfect. its wonderful. i love it. im not sure what it is but i do feel different in a good way. i feel like i am about to explode. like any other new good thing will cause me to burst. but i dont mind. i like it :)

you make me happy, whether you know it or not. ~nevershoutnever

theres so many things that i want to tell you. but you dont want to hear them.
theres so many things that i need to tell you. but you will hate me for it.
theres so many things, that are needing to escape. but you will run away from them.
theres so many things, so many things.



ok, so. people. stop it. just stop it.
i dislike people. not all. but most.
they annoy me to no end.
they suck and they are generally bad.
but, every now and then,
you stumble upon that one person.
that person. who is great.
and powerful and lovely.
and they make you feel amazing.
they make you feel loved.
i have people like that.
and i love them very much.
but still, people.
grow up, get a life, and shut up.

what
is this.
what
is going on.
where
are we.
where
have we gone.
all
i see is.
all
i wish for.
now
i dont know.
now
is no more.




i feel so lost. like everything is out of place. not just me, but everything.
i am slipping back into my old self. maybe its summer, maybe its just life.
i dont know anymore. i just feel backwards. like how im not supposed to be is how i am. there is almost nothing left of me. my whole being is turning away. where am i going? how will i get back?




cutting away
everyday
nothing left
to even say
slicing through
whatever is here
nothing else
far and near
everything
is wrong
all is bad
bleeding out
timid and sad




its a rushing feeling
its a beautiful thing
its an addicting touch
like you cant believe
i know its wrong
i know its bad
but theres nothing left
so why not be sad
i love it so much
its helps me so
but no one will get it
no one will ever know

i want you
to want me
i need you
to need me
i like you
so like me too
lets be together
me and you

:)

im generally and completely happy. im joyous.
im sorry i got over you so fast, after everything we had.
but im not sorry for what i have now.
its too good to give up.
goodbye. im letting you go.

dear you

dear you,
i have some stuff to say. it wont be pretty and you wont like it. but i have to speak what my side. so here it goes:
1. i loved you. so much so that i didnt think that it was possible.
2. i did not, however, love you as much as i once did over these last two or three months.
3. i am so unbelievably lonely without you, its crazy.
4. i miss having a boyfriend more than i miss you as my boyfriend.
5. you were my very best friend and now that im hurting, the only person i want to talk to to make me feel better is you, but i cant do that, now can i?
6. what my friends said to you on facebook is not because they were taking sides or assuming things. its because they love me and they know what was happening and they saw the side of you i was too blinded by love to see for a while. but i see it now.
7. my greatest fear in the world is that you will date that girl, you know who i mean.
8. i realized that its alright if you date her, because i will obviously date other people too.
9. you know, what. earlier today i wanted nothing more than for you to appologize and want to get back together.
10. you know what else, i dont want you anymore. i feel bad about all the great times we had and i miss that.
11. i am fine without you. i am ok. i am better. i miss you. but i dont love you anymore.
12. thank you for breaking up with me, i feel relieved and free. a little alone, sure. but not lonely.
13. I AM HAPPY without you. i didnt think i could be. but guess what, i am.
14. you are a great guy. you are an amazing guy, but i deserve someone else.
15. you deserve someone else.
16. we are better not together. you were right. thank you. really, i mean it.

ok, so. imagine, just for a moment, that you are about to lose the one thing that is most important to you. more precious to you than anything else in the whole world. nothing can ever be as amazing and as important to you as this one thing. what if you were to lose it? what would happen to you?

think about it

what if. the worst thing you can imagine. happened. to me. to you.
what if. all the world. came crashing down. around me. around you.
what if. our lives. fell apart. because of me. because of you.

what would happen to all of us, if everything we knew, our whole way of life, just happened to die? not us. we wouldnt die. but our homes and buildings and cars just fell apart and crumbled to the ground. and we were left with all the animals and trees. and just us and nature were left here on this forsaken earth. what would we do? would we start over? what would happen?

i am leaving. forever i will be gone. not coming back. forever and ever. i will miss you so. i already do. but i have to go. so dont follow me. but dont let me leave. i miss you now. i am gone and not coming back. good bye. forever. so good bye.

sigh together

sigh. lets just all take one big sighing breath at a time. just one. no more. no less. and maybe if we hold that single breath, we will slip into a blissfully peaceful slumber, if we hold that breath long enough. and in that slumber, we will find each other. and when we find each other, once and for all, we can both finally breath, together. or maybe we will both hold our breath as one. and breath out together. and be alone for all time. because we will stop our breathing together, and we will finally be at home, with one another. together.

secrets secrets

I throw up every night.
I cut away the pain.
I slice my soul in half.
Yet it is all in vain.

do do do do doo

yeah, so i got a little old message on formspring that suggested i update my blog. so here i am, writing.

so, i realized that i say 'so' a whole lot. but. i am still gonna use it a lot, so deal with it. so. so. so!
so..
one thing i like to do is eat. but i dont like to keep the food down. i dont like to keep it in me. it feels bad. it feels heavy and nasty and just not good. i say i dont care about my weight, but in truth, i do. a lot. i think i weigh a lot. i sort of like how i look, but i think i weigh too much. so..i need to fix that. and i am trying. the only way i know how. so yeah.
i am trying to like myself. i really am. but it just doesnt work all the time.

why cant i do anything right?

wow. have fun reading this.

random shit:

ask me who i am
lets leave together
guys are typically better than girls
are we still the same
you were my bff before we really met
i cant help you until you want to help yourself
i love you all, all of the time
abandoned houses creep me out
i love nutella
feta cheese is my addiction
bacteria creep me out too
i feel bad when you feel bad
i love to blog
my handwriting sucks
i feel bad that you feel bad for me
some racial myths are untrue and hurtful
keep it interesting
i hate leaving, i love most goodbyes
i love random shit lists
i still have the urge to purge..
i miss you, uncle
im half confident, have scared to death and shy
i wish i could do drugs other than the ones i am on
i still check under my bed and in my closet at night
i hate it when we fight
i hate it even more when im fighting myself
and i hate it even more more when im fighting with myself over you
every kind of relationship always has strains put on it
i hate and love technology
but computers almost always hate me
i am not motivated like i was in the first grade
i barely remember you
i barely remember me
im starting to heal, thanks to you
french is beginning to make more sense than english
did you know you make me feel as bad as i make you feel
why did you do those things
will anyone even read this
i kinda want them to, but i kinda dont
this is a long list
my bed squeaks when anyone sits or moves on it which gets really annoying
my heart races randomly, but more when we are fighting
im so scared of the world
i still believe in God
i have changed
you have changed
better or worse
ive said this before, but i hate food
i still sleep with a stuffed animal every night
most nights its the one you gave me
i feel like i cant always say what i want to without you getting upset, sometimes
will we always be with each other
if i had nothing else, i would still have hope
i want you to get the message
i love you..

i think. that. i am. a bad person.
what. do you. think of. me.
will i. ever. be someone. worth knowing.
wont i. ever. be anyone. worth being.
i am. someone. that i. hate.
i am. not. who i. once was.
so now. say. goodbye. to. the old. me.

i need to say this

im sorry if you are reading this, but there are things i need to say. can i trust you anymore? do you even care? will you still be here after today?

i still love you, but can i care anymore? im not ready to let you go. i will leave, if you make me, i just wanted you to know.

so be nicer to me. just accept what i do. cuz im not gonna change, even for you.

by the way, i miss who you were dear, lets just go back a year. and lets not forget, or ever regret.

empty

its empty. there's nothing there. only sadness, hate. it cant compare. i'm the one left out. i feel so alone. no one will hear, my dying moan. my life is numb. i'm just plain. i can't stay. for i'll go insane. i just can't be happy. my soul is bare. its all empty. there is nothing there.

altered song lyrics

every day's the same, you fight. to find your way. you hurt, you break, you hide, and try to pray. you'll be just fine. cuz i know, He hears you, when you cry.

sigh

do you ever have those moments, where you are just sitting and chillin by yourself but then you are thrust into reality by some unknown evil force and then and there you realize that you are completely and truly alone? without anyone by your side? with no one to be there when you need them most. they are there with you in spirit, but physically, you are empty, you are alone. 100% by yourself. you are with no one, you are alone.

yeah, i have those moments.

mmmhm

dear life,
im sorry i havent lived up to my potential, yet. but im working on it. im sorry ive almost taken you away, part of me still wants to at times, but im working on it. im sorry i have poisoned you with all my bad thoughts and feelings, but im working on it. i wish i could make you a happy life, im sorry. but i am working on it. im sorry there are bad things in you, but im working on it. im sorry for all the secrets that you have on the inside of your heart, but im working on that, too.
dear life,
i dont love you yet, maybe i will one day. im working on it.

dear..

i love you so much. please dont ever leave me.

i hate titles. it just another lable.

i feel loved when:
you take time to listen to me
you respond to my messages on facebook with thought
you make an effort to keep our conversations interesting
you understand why i have to do certain things and why i cant do others
you respect everything about me
you love me
you make me laugh
i make you happy and i can see it in your eyes

i haven't got a word to say. and when its done i hope you will still love me this way. i am so nervous to be by myself. so please don't leave me on your shelf. i like you a lot but i don't know why. i am afraid to feel for you this time. and so i'm scared to the bone. and so i want to just go home. please don't forget me when i'm gone. i promise not do you anymore wrong.so good day my love, i wish you well. and remember to never tell.

hmmmmmmm

things that bug the hell out of me:

~when people say friggin or freakin or any other word that sounds ridiculously close to fucking. ok, if you dont want to cuss then dont say something that is a replacement cuss word, its the sammmmmme thing. and if you are having such strong feelings that you have to use a replacement cuss word, then just cuss, gosh.
~when that damn chocolate is looking sooooo good and tasting even better. and i have been a good girl and eaten only a tiny bit of food today and no junk and i that fucking chocolate just has to be soo good.gosh.
~when my guinea pig scratches my arms all up with his claws and the next day people are looking at the marks and thinking i cut, if i wanted you to look at my arms and see cuts i would show you, gee.
~society in general, i hate you. go away. please. you make all us girls feel fat and far from perfect. and all that crap about "girls can choose how they feel about themselves" is true but have you guys who say that ever tried it? its ridiculously hard to make yourself think that you are pretty in this society. so just go away. please.
~stupid fucking people who are hurting my amazingly wonderful friends. just go be nice. no need to hurt anyone anymore. the war is almost over. gee wiz.
~most light flowers, the color yellow, food, stupid feelings, and sunshine( though with this good ol indiana weather, i do miss the sun, but only a wee bit)

i'll title this later

ive decided that i will just post my poems on here when i get around to it. but for now, im just gonna write.

things that are on my mind:

jail, whats it like there? is my mind one?
monsters, are we all ones? or just some of us?
people, why?
hmmmm..
knives, guns, pills, cliffs
black, white, and colorful
cellular phones
commas save lives: let's eat grandma or let's eat , grandma
why? people.
everyone has a different kind of pillow-preference
sex=hmmmm..
i like the color green
can hearts really break beyond all hope of being fixed?
definition of "kat"
human anatomy, how weird looking are we?
time wasting= fun or horrid?
i am reeeeally good at random shit
how far have we fallen?
did it hurt?
i miss him..

ha, i have more!

yeah so i have been on like brain steroids or something cuz i have just written even more new poems. i hope you wanna read them. here they are. and these arent about me, they are just sorta poems, in general.


two little ones
a boy and a girl
they play around
and she yells
as he runs away
again

two bigger ones
a guy and a girl
they fool around
and she cries
as he runs away
once more

two grown ones
a man and a girl
they mess around
and she screams
as he runs away
for the final time











she is hurt
and he knows it
but he doesnt
do a thing to help

she is crying
and he sees it
but he doesnt
help her at all

she is begging
and he hears it
but he doesnt stop
and she is hurt agian

she is running
and he feels it
but he doesnt keep her
and she is gone















those eyes
staring at you
they see
what you dont

those ears
listening to you
they hear
what you cant

those mouths
speaking to you
they say
what you dont

those hearts
caring for you
they love
who you wont













he broke in
and got to you
he fell on top
and you fought
but he won

he creeped in
and got your body
he fell on you
and you screamed
but he won

he came in
and took yourself
he fell in you
and you cried
but he won

and now you
are hurting more
and you have part of him
growing inside
because he won

you can not escape
the time he got you
and you can not take away
what he gave you
because he won

and you will
die once this is over
and leave your child
without anyone to help
because he won


like i said, none of these are about me. so they may suck cuz i wasnt writing from the heart. but i kinda like them. so oh well.

new poems

ok, so. i know i havent written in awhile (again). but i am writing now. but instead of posting my next poems in my poetry book, i wrote some new ones late last night, and im gonna copy them down here cuz i think they are not terribly bad so i want to see what you follower think of it. here they are:

im hurting
deep inside
can you see me
i bet not
oh well

im hiding
deep inside
can you find me
i think not
oh well

im sighing
deep inside
can you hear me
probably not
oh well

im crying
deep inside
can you tell
i doubt it
oh well

im screaming
deep inside
can you sense it
probably not
oh well

im hurting
inside and out
can you care
i bet not
no well







i think
something
its a secret
but i’ll tell you
if you promise
not to tell
a soul
do you want
to know it

i think
anything
its private
but i’ll let you know
if you swear
not to speak
a word of it
to anyone
do you want
to know it

i think
nothing
anymore
i wont tell you
so dont bother
to wonder
but promise me
you won’t tell
someone
my thoughts








death
do you know it
do you see it
coming down on me
from somewhere near
breathing sweetly
smelling heavenly

death
do you see it
do you know it
coming here
from somewhere close
sounding grand
looking perfect

death
do you feel it
do you sense it
coming now
being wonderful
bringing silence
so longed for

peace
brought by death
did you know it
did you feel it
when it was coming
gaining fast
too late now
i will miss you dear








i wanted to write a poem
a poem to tell my thoughts
a passage to convey my feelings

i wanted it to be happy
but my thoughts are sad
and my feelings are bad

i wished it would be a good poem
i wanted it to move people
but i am not strong enough
to move anyone with my words

i wanted to write a poem
but i gave up
and never wrote again


all of these were writen early this morning, february 15th, at like midnight.




yeah, so i know they are depressing, but i was feeling depressed last night. but the good news is that i got some good poems out of the sad episode.

i promise to write again soon. tootles.

i really need to start writing more

so i havent written in a while (again) and i really need to stop that. i want to start writting again and so i am gonna try. im gonna try really hard. but please do forgive me if i dont write too often because that is just hard for me. ha, so yeah, here is my next poem:


lies, lies.
they sprout form me.
oh how i despise,
these perfect lies.

screaming,screaming.
hold it all in.
oh how i am seeming,
to never stop screaming.

pay, pay.
surely i'll have to.
oh how can i stay,
when i know i will pay.

feb. 2nd 2009

*i sorta just wrote this poem just to write. i know its not good buuuut oh well. its still writing, right? hehe. punny. :)



heres my next one:


me

im breaking down,
im crying out.
i need help,
i need to shout.
theres nothing left,
no more to say.
and when its done,
i'll still be this way.
timid rage,
burning sadness.
within my head,
its all madness.
what shall i do?
where can i go,
to heal up?
does no one know?
its creeping inside,
its all i see.
i cant fight it,
for it is me.

feb, 2nd 2009

*this one i actually wrote for kind of a purpose. i was feeling trapped by myself and all that i am, or was, or still am. i honestly dont know.

there is not much else for me to say about these two poems. sorry. i guess thats all i have to say for tonight. so umm..yeah. ok. tootles

my apologizes

i have been a bit overwhelmed the last few weeks with some highly personal issues but its starting to be better now. so i shall post again. here are the next two compositions in my poem book:


i never thought,
that it would be me.
i never imagined,
what i see.
all thats happening,
is due to me.
i could keep it back,
but i dont have the key.
i lost myself.
somewhere there.
i cant go back.
its only fair.

jan. 10th 2009



i have to be the one,
to make it through.
i have to be the one,
because i cant be you.
i need a way to make it.
i need a way to survive.
i need a way to find the light.
i need a way to thrive.
there has to be something out there.
there has to be something true.
there has to be someone out there,
who can help me make it through.

jan. 10th 2009


so basically these are both about dealing with the very wide and intense range of emotions that are prompted by cutting. any type of self injury induced these strange, horrible feelings. yet, it is for these feelings that people do cut. it helps. in a weird sort of way, it helps us. i dont think it is always the healthiest way, for some, but i cannot deny the fact that it did help me in unimaginable ways. it also hurt me terribly. it is still hurting me now. cutting is hurting me more now, physically and mentally, more than it ever has before. its hard, but at the same time, its addictive. i cant stop. i would be lost without it.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/kiiiiiiitty

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/kiiiiiiitty

its been a while

its been a kinda long while since i have last posted anything. sorry about that. so anyway, i made myself get up and write this post because today is of some significance to me. today is january 8th ( well it was but its only 30 minute past so it still counts ) anyway, a year ago today i started cutting myself. morbid, i know. in honor of this special and oh so lovely anniversairy(did i spell that right?, i am gonna skip over the poem that comes next in my sequence and write the one that i wrote a year ago on january 9th, the day after i started cutting myself. here it is.

cutting

what it means,
to do this.
how they look,
cant be missed.
just how it feels,
tells it all.
nothing compares,
to my fall.
what it means,
to be this.
i am different,
i insist.
the truth lies there,
atop my skin.
what ive done,
must be a sin.
its what it means,
to feel like this.

january 9th-2009

yeah. so this one is where my poems start becoming more about my depression and cutting issues. um....other than that there is not much to say about this powm, its kinda self explanitory. i am gonna go back now and right the poem that i wrote before the last few, the reason i didnt post it before is that i wrote it down in the poem book out of order. so here it is.

truth

the anniversary,
of the world gone wrong.
so much pain and suffering,
surprised we lasted this long.
everyday i think of this.
the time when i cried.
no one knows how much i miss.
no one knows how hard ive tried.
they worried so much.
they still do for me.
no one could every touch,
get through and see.
but this isnt about,
what i have done.
this is your route,
what you spun.
and what happened here,
i wasnt part of.
causing all their tears,
it was just the start of.
but i wont be the same.
the very reason why.
and i wont be to blame.
i wont make them cry.
you could have waited.
you could have tried.
it didnt have to be fated.
but would you still have died?

december 6th-2008

i wrote this on my uncles birthday, its written about him. he would have been 42 that december 6th. but he committed suicide a friday in the middle of the summer in 2005. i wasnt close to him. but i was close enough.

i went with my mom and grandparents to florida to clean out his appartment and identify the body and deal with the whole arrangements that go along with a suicide. i was too young to know why he would have done it. but i guess now i know from personal experience as to why someone would chose to end their own life. i remember that when they brought the body out, when we were in the funeral home/morgue or whatever, i didnt want to see it. i didnt want to see my uncle with the bullet whole stuck in his scalp. i didnt want to see the cold expression that would be on his face. i wanted to remember what i could about him. when he seemed happy enough, to me, a small child at the time. i also didnt want to remember the pain that his choice caused my grandparents and my mom, and me.

i wrote this poem about my uncle steve. i love him. and i think he is still with me, though i dont usually believe in that sort of thing. i believe that he is my guardian angel of sorts.

this poem is my other favorite one of all the ones i have ever written.