why do you worry about me? why does everyone worry?
like, i dont care if those bad things happen to me, i kinda want them to..
but why does everyone i know constantly worry about me? is it really that obvious that something is possibly seriously wrong?
god, im so screwed up..
I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT. i feel fat. sooo fat. i know im not, but i really just feel huge. i look in the mirror at my body and i absolutely want to cry. i know other people think im pretty. Jon thinks im sexy.. but i still hate my body. i have days where i think i look fine, where i think my body is kinda okay. but most of the time, i just wanna cut away at my body until im beautiful.
maybe i once was beautiful. maybe when i was a baby, before anyone ever told me i was fat or ugly. before other kids made fun of me. before i learned that the world isnt perfect. maybe way back then i was beautiful. because, after all, isnt beauty just in the mind? sure, it has something to do with physical look. but for the most part, i think its in the mind. i think that if i still believed, if i still truly knew that i was beautiful, then maybe i would be. but im not, and i dont believe that.
i know that no one wants me to lose weight. at least, not as much weight as i plan on losing. but i need to. maybe along the way, i will realize that i dont really need to lose anything and then ill be better. but first, i need to lose something, anything, everything.
and another thing, JON. i love him..so much. i know its too soon to be true, deep love. but im passionate about him. i havent been really passionate about anything in a very long time. not since..like, a year ago. i do believe that i love him. a lot. its not the kind of love that it will hopefully, eventually grow to be. but i think it is deep enough to be called love.
maybe i have moved pretty fast with him. but it just feels right. and maybe we wont last as long as kevin and i did. but at least i am happy for now, and i will most likely be happy with Jon the rest of the time i date him, until of course, we get bad or something and we break up. which, lets face it, will eventually happen. i mean, it happens to all of us. but i do love him. god, i cant say it enough. i just want to scream it. i want to tell everyone how i feel. because i finally feel something positive. and i havent felt that in a very long time. i missed it. i missed him. but i dont anymore. i am happy. I AM HAPPY. i. am. happy.
i know there is more that i need to say. but i just dont know what else there is. my mind is full right now. by the way, thank you to all of my friends who are worried about me. i dont want to seem like i dont care about you guys and like i dont care that you worry about me. but i just, i dont know, this is a path that i have chosen. and i am well cared for and there are lots of people looking after me right now. so if anything bad does start to happen, i know others will get control over the situation before it turns too ugly. i love all of you guys, my friends. you are all wonderful. thank you so much. really, thank you.
please dont ever let me go. i know that is a lot to ask, after all the shit that i put you guys through.
<3 ~kitty
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