numbers

so i was thinking, i know its a big deal, and i started to wonder about myself.
first off, what the hell is wrong with me? like, i always knew i was a little strange, but really, i am a freak. a big one. a big old fucking freak.
i get scared when you dont respond right away.
i fall into sadness when you dont talk to me.
i become a bitch when i think about you.
i think you are bitch when i talk with you.
i freak out about the little things.
i dont give a shit about the big things.
i care way too much though.
im scared of you and me together.
im scared of me not with you.
i still cant get over some certain facts.
im completely moved on about other facts.
i am really good at ignoring and forgetting bad things, in an unhealthy way.

im scared to death to let go of the sad, the bad. for fear of what they may be replaced with. what if i become happy? what then? how will it feel, to be that way most of the time? i dont know what i will do with out having the familiar sadness with me. im so scared of moving on. i dont know what i will be like.

all im really looking for is a place. somewhere to fit in with everything that im supposed to be. somewhere that i belong. i dont want an utopia or anything like that, i just want to have a place. a place in this world. this world of misfits and mishaps. of lovers and freaks. people who dont belong yet all get along. i just want to have a place to call my own. my place in this big bad world has to be found by me soon, or i dont know what i will do. what could i do?

im a confused and scared little girl who is okish at faking confidence and self-love. i can work out other's problems. but i have no idea what to do about my own.

i love you. please dont give up on me.