my apologizes

i have been a bit overwhelmed the last few weeks with some highly personal issues but its starting to be better now. so i shall post again. here are the next two compositions in my poem book:


i never thought,
that it would be me.
i never imagined,
what i see.
all thats happening,
is due to me.
i could keep it back,
but i dont have the key.
i lost myself.
somewhere there.
i cant go back.
its only fair.

jan. 10th 2009



i have to be the one,
to make it through.
i have to be the one,
because i cant be you.
i need a way to make it.
i need a way to survive.
i need a way to find the light.
i need a way to thrive.
there has to be something out there.
there has to be something true.
there has to be someone out there,
who can help me make it through.

jan. 10th 2009


so basically these are both about dealing with the very wide and intense range of emotions that are prompted by cutting. any type of self injury induced these strange, horrible feelings. yet, it is for these feelings that people do cut. it helps. in a weird sort of way, it helps us. i dont think it is always the healthiest way, for some, but i cannot deny the fact that it did help me in unimaginable ways. it also hurt me terribly. it is still hurting me now. cutting is hurting me more now, physically and mentally, more than it ever has before. its hard, but at the same time, its addictive. i cant stop. i would be lost without it.