hello there

hi. my name is kitty and this is my new blog.

i started this blog because i would like to document and tell the world about myself. *the world being a rather strong term because really only a few people, if any will ever read this blog.

a little bit about me:
i am 15 years old and i have a condition called major severe depressive disorder. this means im sad alot and sometime suicidal. i go to therapy once a week and i am on two different meds for my depression. the most recent medicins have helped me tremendously. i am not suicidal nearly as often as i used to be.
i started cutting last january 8th in 2009. and i told my best friends, my previous small-group church leaders and my mother in april of 2009 about the self mutilation issue. speaking of which, why do they call it self mutilation? like, really? isnt that a bit harsh of a term? well, i think it is. but anyways, so i told them and my mother rushed me into therapy the very next week.
gradually i stopped attending church. i stopped smiling and having fun. and i started different medicins that my phychiatrist-did i spell that right?- perscribed to me. well the medicins started to make me much worse this summer. every few days or so i would get so suicidal i would have to sleep in my mothers room with her. she would hide the knives and medicin and i would curl up in a ball and cry all night on her bed. -im not making this up, ok?-
the point is that i was very bad. there were nights where i seriously did not expect to wake up in the morning. i have held a knife to my chest and pills to my mouth 3 times. i was afraid of myself and what i could and would do to me. but i was also afraid of living and dealing with the sadness that just completely envelopes you.
besides the suicidal instability this summer, i also struggled with food issues. ha, of course. i stopped eating and when i did eat i would throw it up until there was stomach acid coming up. there were days when i would eat seven calories the whole day and then throw up anyway. as you can imagine, these food problems didnt help my depression.
well i am on new and improved meds and i feel alot better. though last night and today were very suicidal days. but i blame the holidays and the stress of family gatherings for that.

the whole point of this blog is for me to publish my poems. you see, i have always been a writer. ive never been good, but i have always loved to write. and i like to think that i dont completely suck at it. well starting last november of 2008, i began writing poems for the first time in years. and they started off as just pointless poems that had nothing to do with me. but as i discovered cutting and depression's depths, the poems began to get deeper and for a while they were the only evidence that i still felt at all. they helped me alot and i want to put them on a blog. after i have posted all of them in the order that i wrote them, i plan to begin writing again. i wanted to give you all a bit of background on me before you begin reading my poems because i figured it would help you to understand them a bit better. the first four that i am about to type up were the first ones that i wrote back in november of '08. ok. here they are. remember, they started out kinda sucky. but then again, they never really got above suckish. :)


beyond all else

shed thy tears.
wash in thy self.
take the life.
i give,
i see,
i try to be.
beyond all else.
i fear,
inside.
beyond all else.
i cry,
myself.
it goes beyond all else.
bathe in blood.
shed away,
thy tear of ever,
and run today.
beyond all else.
just go away.
i give,
i see,
inside of me.
i fear i go.
beyond all else.
i cry myself.
it goes beyond,
all else.

november 25th, 2008




sweet youth

youngness breathes
into me
sightless dreams
fall deeply
blindness settles
for another day
bliss is sweet
my childish dreams
wash away
into rain
ignorance
stay with me
keep me clothed
when all else fades
take with yourself
your sweetness lays
back into nothing
you will stay
so keep yourself
with me
always
do not leave
my childish dreams

november 25th 2008




*this next one is one of my two all time favorite poems that i have ever and will ever write. here it is:

fall away

fall away,
oh dear one.
right back to,
where you came from.
fall away,
oh my pain.
like a blade,
do or dain.
fall away,
oh my life.
into nothing,
with but a knife.

november 25th, 2008





mine

you say you understand
you say you'll go
you tell me to stop
you tell me to know
but i tell you now
from somewhere
and somehow
this time its mine
i cant give you
what i have
it just wont do
this times its mine
i cant give you
all i live for
ill just need more
this time its mine
if only you could understand
if only you could know
this time its mine
so its alright
ill be fine

november 25th 2008


these are the first four poems i wrote after i started writing again last november in 2008. its hard to believe that it was over a year ago... well i hope that if you are reading this then you will come back and read it again the next time i post the next poems. thank you. merry christmas.