wow. so this is my fourth post. to me thats kinda becoming alot. sorta. um...this next poem is just ok. i dont really like it. not particularly.
regret
why does it hurt worse
when i have nothing left to cry
why does my world stop
when all you ever say is too much
the more you yell
the less i weep
i suppose im just happy
to get anything from you
i will settle for hate
its better than nothing
the world says i should love
yet how can i when you dont allow
such things are impossible
that i can accept
so watch for the day
when it will end
i will give up and you will see
that regret is not my sweet
january 1st 2009
*so although i dont like this poem a whole lot, it does do a good job at expressing how i felt. i wrote it about when my dad would yell at me and we would have fights. he used to get so very angry at me and i wrote this after one of the times when he yelled at me. rest asured that he very rarely fights with me anymore. ever since my therapist and mom found out just how angry he would get with me and how frequently, he has been more careful around me so that he wont get in trouble with my therapist and get the little time that sees me even more shortened. though im very relieved to not have him so frighteningly angry with me all the time, i do miss him. but our relationship has improved little by little. so i guess that is good...
here is my next poem:
two sides fighting
twisting pools
two sides fighting
who decides good
who worries evil
conflict inside
confussion within
thoughts burning
can no one see
are they blinded
to what is happening
lurching schemes
hidden plots
twisting pools
two sides fighting
all a part
of something else
yet we persist
to doom another
we're lost below
covered by self
slipping further
into twisting pools
two sides fighting
january 1st 2009
*this poem is written about the two or so conflicting personalities and thoughts inside of me at the time. i would have feelings and thoughts of anger then sadness. then anger at myself for being sad and angry. and so on. it was really like twisting pools of emotions and thoughts and two opposite sides fighting to death.
so these were the next two compositions in my poem book. i hope you liked them, let alone understand them. if you have comments or questions, i would really love it if you posted them on my blog. thank you. :)
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
hey hey hey
this is my third post and i think im finally getting the hang of how to write for a blog. hmmmm. so this next poem is probably one of my least favorites that i have written. i wrote it in febuary of '07 and then rewrote it in december of 2008. so here it is. its not that good, im just warning you.
irony
to spend your life,
not carring for other people.
that is what you've done,
sad but true.
to spend your life,
settting a trap.
catching flies.
then you realize,
this is your own fate.
its what you've done.
and its too late,
you've begun,
to weave webs,
for one.
febuary 9th 2007~december 13th 2008
*i am still not so sure who i wrote this poem about. its not about myself. in fact, up until this point in my previously written poems, none have really been about me until i grew to fit them later on. like the one titled 'mine' was not about me in anyway, but then a few months ago i reread it and thought how it kinda described me. so yeah..anyway, almost all the poems i wrote after i composed the previous ones are autobiographical. but this one was not written about me, but then again. maybe it was, subconciously i mean. maybe its sorta written about all of us. maybe we all should learn not to set a trap for ourselves by not carring for anyone. maybe. its just a thought. hmmmm..
irony
to spend your life,
not carring for other people.
that is what you've done,
sad but true.
to spend your life,
settting a trap.
catching flies.
then you realize,
this is your own fate.
its what you've done.
and its too late,
you've begun,
to weave webs,
for one.
febuary 9th 2007~december 13th 2008
*i am still not so sure who i wrote this poem about. its not about myself. in fact, up until this point in my previously written poems, none have really been about me until i grew to fit them later on. like the one titled 'mine' was not about me in anyway, but then a few months ago i reread it and thought how it kinda described me. so yeah..anyway, almost all the poems i wrote after i composed the previous ones are autobiographical. but this one was not written about me, but then again. maybe it was, subconciously i mean. maybe its sorta written about all of us. maybe we all should learn not to set a trap for ourselves by not carring for anyone. maybe. its just a thought. hmmmm..
Saturday, December 26, 2009
hello again
sooooo this here is my second post on this new blog. and im slightly excited to be writing again. i am gonna write my next poem that i composed after the previous four were written. here i goooooo...
never wanted me
you've never wanted me.
i know that now.
i was tricked so easily.
so willing to believe.
we never could be,
anything more than loose ties.
betrayed in a way.
you dont have to say.
maybe once it could have worked.
a wish be born.
a dream not torn.
maybe once you felt the same.
but with complications,
came unspoked accusations.
we can never go back,
to when my wish still lived,
my dream still could be,
because you've never wanted me.
november 26th 2008
*this poem was not really written about any particular person. it was more composed while feeling just unwanted and unloved and as if no one will ever desire you the way you will desire them. in recent times i have come to find this poem very untrue for me. i have found someone who desires me just as much as i want him. my boyfriend is amazing in every way and i love him very much. so, this poem was about a true feeling that i once had but no longer am occupied by. now that i have gotten these thoughts out of my system, i will present you with my next poem that i wrote after i wrote the previous one.
this is the title
the things we clothe ourselves in
the emotions we fake
the scars we leave
upone our face
tears that turn
to blood so fast
and no one ever
can seem to last
if we could only tast
what we give
would we know
how to live
what the world has turned to
what the dark has brought
what can we do
we will always rot
one day when we all
can love the hate
maybe then we can
escape this timely fate
november 26th 2008
*this one i just kinda wrote. there was probably a feeling behind it, it was just masked by the rest of my subconcious mind so i really dont know what its about on a deeper level. so yeah. this is all i have to say for today's post. so bye now.
never wanted me
you've never wanted me.
i know that now.
i was tricked so easily.
so willing to believe.
we never could be,
anything more than loose ties.
betrayed in a way.
you dont have to say.
maybe once it could have worked.
a wish be born.
a dream not torn.
maybe once you felt the same.
but with complications,
came unspoked accusations.
we can never go back,
to when my wish still lived,
my dream still could be,
because you've never wanted me.
november 26th 2008
*this poem was not really written about any particular person. it was more composed while feeling just unwanted and unloved and as if no one will ever desire you the way you will desire them. in recent times i have come to find this poem very untrue for me. i have found someone who desires me just as much as i want him. my boyfriend is amazing in every way and i love him very much. so, this poem was about a true feeling that i once had but no longer am occupied by. now that i have gotten these thoughts out of my system, i will present you with my next poem that i wrote after i wrote the previous one.
this is the title
the things we clothe ourselves in
the emotions we fake
the scars we leave
upone our face
tears that turn
to blood so fast
and no one ever
can seem to last
if we could only tast
what we give
would we know
how to live
what the world has turned to
what the dark has brought
what can we do
we will always rot
one day when we all
can love the hate
maybe then we can
escape this timely fate
november 26th 2008
*this one i just kinda wrote. there was probably a feeling behind it, it was just masked by the rest of my subconcious mind so i really dont know what its about on a deeper level. so yeah. this is all i have to say for today's post. so bye now.
Friday, December 25, 2009
hello there
hi. my name is kitty and this is my new blog.
i started this blog because i would like to document and tell the world about myself. *the world being a rather strong term because really only a few people, if any will ever read this blog.
a little bit about me:
i am 15 years old and i have a condition called major severe depressive disorder. this means im sad alot and sometime suicidal. i go to therapy once a week and i am on two different meds for my depression. the most recent medicins have helped me tremendously. i am not suicidal nearly as often as i used to be.
i started cutting last january 8th in 2009. and i told my best friends, my previous small-group church leaders and my mother in april of 2009 about the self mutilation issue. speaking of which, why do they call it self mutilation? like, really? isnt that a bit harsh of a term? well, i think it is. but anyways, so i told them and my mother rushed me into therapy the very next week.
gradually i stopped attending church. i stopped smiling and having fun. and i started different medicins that my phychiatrist-did i spell that right?- perscribed to me. well the medicins started to make me much worse this summer. every few days or so i would get so suicidal i would have to sleep in my mothers room with her. she would hide the knives and medicin and i would curl up in a ball and cry all night on her bed. -im not making this up, ok?-
the point is that i was very bad. there were nights where i seriously did not expect to wake up in the morning. i have held a knife to my chest and pills to my mouth 3 times. i was afraid of myself and what i could and would do to me. but i was also afraid of living and dealing with the sadness that just completely envelopes you.
besides the suicidal instability this summer, i also struggled with food issues. ha, of course. i stopped eating and when i did eat i would throw it up until there was stomach acid coming up. there were days when i would eat seven calories the whole day and then throw up anyway. as you can imagine, these food problems didnt help my depression.
well i am on new and improved meds and i feel alot better. though last night and today were very suicidal days. but i blame the holidays and the stress of family gatherings for that.
the whole point of this blog is for me to publish my poems. you see, i have always been a writer. ive never been good, but i have always loved to write. and i like to think that i dont completely suck at it. well starting last november of 2008, i began writing poems for the first time in years. and they started off as just pointless poems that had nothing to do with me. but as i discovered cutting and depression's depths, the poems began to get deeper and for a while they were the only evidence that i still felt at all. they helped me alot and i want to put them on a blog. after i have posted all of them in the order that i wrote them, i plan to begin writing again. i wanted to give you all a bit of background on me before you begin reading my poems because i figured it would help you to understand them a bit better. the first four that i am about to type up were the first ones that i wrote back in november of '08. ok. here they are. remember, they started out kinda sucky. but then again, they never really got above suckish. :)
beyond all else
shed thy tears.
wash in thy self.
take the life.
i give,
i see,
i try to be.
beyond all else.
i fear,
inside.
beyond all else.
i cry,
myself.
it goes beyond all else.
bathe in blood.
shed away,
thy tear of ever,
and run today.
beyond all else.
just go away.
i give,
i see,
inside of me.
i fear i go.
beyond all else.
i cry myself.
it goes beyond,
all else.
november 25th, 2008
sweet youth
youngness breathes
into me
sightless dreams
fall deeply
blindness settles
for another day
bliss is sweet
my childish dreams
wash away
into rain
ignorance
stay with me
keep me clothed
when all else fades
take with yourself
your sweetness lays
back into nothing
you will stay
so keep yourself
with me
always
do not leave
my childish dreams
november 25th 2008
*this next one is one of my two all time favorite poems that i have ever and will ever write. here it is:
fall away
fall away,
oh dear one.
right back to,
where you came from.
fall away,
oh my pain.
like a blade,
do or dain.
fall away,
oh my life.
into nothing,
with but a knife.
november 25th, 2008
mine
you say you understand
you say you'll go
you tell me to stop
you tell me to know
but i tell you now
from somewhere
and somehow
this time its mine
i cant give you
what i have
it just wont do
this times its mine
i cant give you
all i live for
ill just need more
this time its mine
if only you could understand
if only you could know
this time its mine
so its alright
ill be fine
november 25th 2008
these are the first four poems i wrote after i started writing again last november in 2008. its hard to believe that it was over a year ago... well i hope that if you are reading this then you will come back and read it again the next time i post the next poems. thank you. merry christmas.
i started this blog because i would like to document and tell the world about myself. *the world being a rather strong term because really only a few people, if any will ever read this blog.
a little bit about me:
i am 15 years old and i have a condition called major severe depressive disorder. this means im sad alot and sometime suicidal. i go to therapy once a week and i am on two different meds for my depression. the most recent medicins have helped me tremendously. i am not suicidal nearly as often as i used to be.
i started cutting last january 8th in 2009. and i told my best friends, my previous small-group church leaders and my mother in april of 2009 about the self mutilation issue. speaking of which, why do they call it self mutilation? like, really? isnt that a bit harsh of a term? well, i think it is. but anyways, so i told them and my mother rushed me into therapy the very next week.
gradually i stopped attending church. i stopped smiling and having fun. and i started different medicins that my phychiatrist-did i spell that right?- perscribed to me. well the medicins started to make me much worse this summer. every few days or so i would get so suicidal i would have to sleep in my mothers room with her. she would hide the knives and medicin and i would curl up in a ball and cry all night on her bed. -im not making this up, ok?-
the point is that i was very bad. there were nights where i seriously did not expect to wake up in the morning. i have held a knife to my chest and pills to my mouth 3 times. i was afraid of myself and what i could and would do to me. but i was also afraid of living and dealing with the sadness that just completely envelopes you.
besides the suicidal instability this summer, i also struggled with food issues. ha, of course. i stopped eating and when i did eat i would throw it up until there was stomach acid coming up. there were days when i would eat seven calories the whole day and then throw up anyway. as you can imagine, these food problems didnt help my depression.
well i am on new and improved meds and i feel alot better. though last night and today were very suicidal days. but i blame the holidays and the stress of family gatherings for that.
the whole point of this blog is for me to publish my poems. you see, i have always been a writer. ive never been good, but i have always loved to write. and i like to think that i dont completely suck at it. well starting last november of 2008, i began writing poems for the first time in years. and they started off as just pointless poems that had nothing to do with me. but as i discovered cutting and depression's depths, the poems began to get deeper and for a while they were the only evidence that i still felt at all. they helped me alot and i want to put them on a blog. after i have posted all of them in the order that i wrote them, i plan to begin writing again. i wanted to give you all a bit of background on me before you begin reading my poems because i figured it would help you to understand them a bit better. the first four that i am about to type up were the first ones that i wrote back in november of '08. ok. here they are. remember, they started out kinda sucky. but then again, they never really got above suckish. :)
beyond all else
shed thy tears.
wash in thy self.
take the life.
i give,
i see,
i try to be.
beyond all else.
i fear,
inside.
beyond all else.
i cry,
myself.
it goes beyond all else.
bathe in blood.
shed away,
thy tear of ever,
and run today.
beyond all else.
just go away.
i give,
i see,
inside of me.
i fear i go.
beyond all else.
i cry myself.
it goes beyond,
all else.
november 25th, 2008
sweet youth
youngness breathes
into me
sightless dreams
fall deeply
blindness settles
for another day
bliss is sweet
my childish dreams
wash away
into rain
ignorance
stay with me
keep me clothed
when all else fades
take with yourself
your sweetness lays
back into nothing
you will stay
so keep yourself
with me
always
do not leave
my childish dreams
november 25th 2008
*this next one is one of my two all time favorite poems that i have ever and will ever write. here it is:
fall away
fall away,
oh dear one.
right back to,
where you came from.
fall away,
oh my pain.
like a blade,
do or dain.
fall away,
oh my life.
into nothing,
with but a knife.
november 25th, 2008
mine
you say you understand
you say you'll go
you tell me to stop
you tell me to know
but i tell you now
from somewhere
and somehow
this time its mine
i cant give you
what i have
it just wont do
this times its mine
i cant give you
all i live for
ill just need more
this time its mine
if only you could understand
if only you could know
this time its mine
so its alright
ill be fine
november 25th 2008
these are the first four poems i wrote after i started writing again last november in 2008. its hard to believe that it was over a year ago... well i hope that if you are reading this then you will come back and read it again the next time i post the next poems. thank you. merry christmas.
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