day 3

dear parents,
i know it may not always seem like it, but i do loved you guys. thanks for bring me into the world.
mom-you understand me more than dad an i know you like me more than he does. thank you for always being there for me. you have helped me through so much and even though you dont know everything about me and we do fight at times, i consider you one of my friends. you are a great mom and a good friend. thank you. i love you.
dad-i know you love me very much but sometimes i think you dont like me all that much. which is understandable, im very different from you. as i am getting better i think im liking you more now i think you are liking me more too. i hope so, at least. i do love you dad. you are a good father to rachel and to me now. you didnt used to be that great with me but i think you are getting there. thank you for being a dad to me. i do love you.
mom and dad, you two really are good parents. i know im lucky to have you guys. some of my friends parents are not as great as you two, so thank you. i love you guys, a lot.

day 2

dear crush,
i dont exactly know who youare. i have lots of guys friends that i love very much but i am fairly sure that i dont like any of them like that.
i have had many many crushes in my short life time. as i have gotten older, i have falled harder for you guys. but sadly i do not have a crush right now. i hope i will soon though. because i like the feeling of being in love. and right now im not. i have been before and i know that it is the best feeling in the world. i want to feel that way again about a crush.
i want to love you, my mysterious crush, and i want you to love me.
i hope i find a crush and i hope someone will find me as theirs.
dear crush, i love you.

things to do to be a real teenager.

me and halle are making a list of things to do to be a real teenager. here it is so far:

1. make out with someone random and at least somewhat attractive
2. skinny dip
3. smoke weed
4. sex
5. get the hot band guy's cell numbers and become friends at concerts
6. drink
7. get your heart broken
8. fall in love twice
9. sneak out and go somewhere you shouldnt
10. change something; someone elss/ourselves/time/etc.

day 1

ok, so, im doing a letter challenge from tumblr but i also feel obliged to post it on here as well. you have to write a letter every day for thirty days. and each day there is a specific person you write to. for example, today is day 1 and i must write to my best friend. here is my letter.

dear my two best friends,

i love you guys.

halle-i know im not always the funnest of your friends and im probably not your very best friend, but i love you. you know everything about me, you know how i work, you know me. you make me laugh, you make me feel loved. i like that you understand me and attempt to always make me feel better. you are always there for me, i know that.

connor-ha, you are great. i dont know if i am one of your best friends, but you definitely one of mine. thanks dude. you are funny and you would like to fix me. thank you for trying to understand me.

you two are what keep me going. i have lots of friends that i love so much but you guys are just, i dont know, awesome. you guys know me so well and for some crazy reason you still love me. you guys both make me laugh all the time and you are just wonderful. thank you, so much. i love you.

so..

things i happen to enjoy:

piercings
tattoos
spray paint
summer nights with you
vegetables
blogging
letters
shoes
goodbyes
super mario bros
tumblr
facebook
math
core work
mints
shopping
the beatles
kissing
time away from you
that topsy turvy feeling you get in your tummy when you are really feeling something
roller coasters
my cousin's girlfriend
the sound of bees
the smell of rain
pasta
getting new notebooks
when you text me first
playing pool
moving furniture
questions
cuddling
make up
storms
you

sometimes

Sometimes I think about what it all means, what does this life have to do with anything? Sometimes I wonder if you’re even worth it, if life is worth living. You, you are not worth it. But sometimes I wonder if I am. Am I worth the worry, the love, the life? Sometimes I think about you, I think and I wonder. Sometimes I remember, sometimes I forget. Sometimes I miss you, other times I miss me. Sometimes I realize that I really am crazy, and sometimes I don’t mind so much. But only sometimes.

Better

Summer nights, what are they for? I spend mine wasting away in my room, dying to be anywhere else, anyone else. Dying, dying, dying. What brings me back to life each night, it is my crutch, it is my power, my demon. It keeps me from feeling too much, but also from feeling too little. I don't want to feel numb ever again, I don't want to feel this way ever again. I just want to feel the right amount of feelings. I want to feel okay, neutral, better. Better than I am now, better than I will probably ever really be, but still better. That's all I want. On these lonely, god damned summer nights, I just want to be heard, to be known, to be better. I want you to talk to me, I want you to hear me, I want you to stop me. I just want someone to know, to hear, to care. I want them to be able to tell what I need and when, I want them to stop me. Stop me from using my crutch, my power, my demon. I want them to stop me from cutting, from bleeding, from dying each time. I want them, I want you, to make me feel better.

psssst

psst. do you hear that? are you listening? well i am. im paying attention. to all the little things. the tiny, insignificant things that truly matter to me, to you. yes, they do matter to you. even though you dont acknowledge it, they do. trust me. i am listening to the little ones, the big ones, the maybes, the yes's, the no's. im hearing the wind, the cries, the pleas, the laughs. im watching the men, the women, the children. i am paying attention. and you should too. it would do you good, even. it is healthy to notice the little things, the everything. its normal to wonder, to think, to ponder, to listen. so, do you hear that? that one thing over there? that is the one thing that matters. that is the tiniest, smallest, most unimportant thing there is. yet, it matters more than anything else. so please, listen to it. listen and watch and pay attention to it. to all of it.
psst, are you hearing that?

this girl
this girl i know,
she worries me.
i cant wake her up,
and make her see.
she has a problem,
its deep inside.
she's self destructive,
but tries to hide.
and with each cut,
she carves away,
more of herself,
everyday.
but the secret,
to her i see,
this girl i know,
she is me.



maybe we are all just a dream, maybe we are all just looking in at ourselves and our lives and the reason that we all always fail is because we dont know how to snap out of our dream-lives.

and another thing, i think the whole point to life is control. thats all it is. thats all there is. we are all fighting ourselves and eachother for control. control over one another, over ourselves, over everything we know. control is everything to us. it is just the way we are, i dont think that we mean to be such control-craving monsters, but we are none the less. so, do i have control? that is my question. that is what everyone is asking themselves. do we have control over our lives? is it really the end of the world if someone else is the master of us? my last year i have fought almost to the death for control of my own life. and i am starting to get it, but is it worth it? is it really all that its supposed to be? i dont know if i am ready to control my life right now, but i do know that i can not let anyone else control it for me. anyway, control is our whole purpose, our whole point. that is what we all are wanting, needing. i have a proposal, let us try to find control together, as one. then maybe we will stop fighting for it. we will stop trying to control eachother, and then we will work. and we will have control. and we will be happy.

numbers

so i was thinking, i know its a big deal, and i started to wonder about myself.
first off, what the hell is wrong with me? like, i always knew i was a little strange, but really, i am a freak. a big one. a big old fucking freak.
i get scared when you dont respond right away.
i fall into sadness when you dont talk to me.
i become a bitch when i think about you.
i think you are bitch when i talk with you.
i freak out about the little things.
i dont give a shit about the big things.
i care way too much though.
im scared of you and me together.
im scared of me not with you.
i still cant get over some certain facts.
im completely moved on about other facts.
i am really good at ignoring and forgetting bad things, in an unhealthy way.

im scared to death to let go of the sad, the bad. for fear of what they may be replaced with. what if i become happy? what then? how will it feel, to be that way most of the time? i dont know what i will do with out having the familiar sadness with me. im so scared of moving on. i dont know what i will be like.

all im really looking for is a place. somewhere to fit in with everything that im supposed to be. somewhere that i belong. i dont want an utopia or anything like that, i just want to have a place. a place in this world. this world of misfits and mishaps. of lovers and freaks. people who dont belong yet all get along. i just want to have a place to call my own. my place in this big bad world has to be found by me soon, or i dont know what i will do. what could i do?

im a confused and scared little girl who is okish at faking confidence and self-love. i can work out other's problems. but i have no idea what to do about my own.

i love you. please dont give up on me.