i wish people still read this blog..

and i wish people didnt read my other blog

i want it so bad

600. thats how many i will let myself eat for the next three days.
400. thats how many i will be eating the next three days after that.
then 200.
and finally, 100 or less. no matter what. i want to get my body back. i will do anything. i will not eat, i will not be fat. no matter what.

im going to keep a food diary. i will get back what i want. i will be sick again, i know that. but i want that. so bad. i want it so bad.

i know no one reads this blog anymore..but thats alright

why do you worry about me? why does everyone worry?
like, i dont care if those bad things happen to me, i kinda want them to..
but why does everyone i know constantly worry about me? is it really that obvious that something is possibly seriously wrong?
god, im so screwed up..

I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT. i feel fat. sooo fat. i know im not, but i really just feel huge. i look in the mirror at my body and i absolutely want to cry. i know other people think im pretty. Jon thinks im sexy.. but i still hate my body. i have days where i think i look fine, where i think my body is kinda okay. but most of the time, i just wanna cut away at my body until im beautiful.

maybe i once was beautiful. maybe when i was a baby, before anyone ever told me i was fat or ugly. before other kids made fun of me. before i learned that the world isnt perfect. maybe way back then i was beautiful. because, after all, isnt beauty just in the mind? sure, it has something to do with physical look. but for the most part, i think its in the mind. i think that if i still believed, if i still truly knew that i was beautiful, then maybe i would be. but im not, and i dont believe that.

i know that no one wants me to lose weight. at least, not as much weight as i plan on losing. but i need to. maybe along the way, i will realize that i dont really need to lose anything and then ill be better. but first, i need to lose something, anything, everything.

and another thing, JON. i love him..so much. i know its too soon to be true, deep love. but im passionate about him. i havent been really passionate about anything in a very long time. not since..like, a year ago. i do believe that i love him. a lot. its not the kind of love that it will hopefully, eventually grow to be. but i think it is deep enough to be called love.

maybe i have moved pretty fast with him. but it just feels right. and maybe we wont last as long as kevin and i did. but at least i am happy for now, and i will most likely be happy with Jon the rest of the time i date him, until of course, we get bad or something and we break up. which, lets face it, will eventually happen. i mean, it happens to all of us. but i do love him. god, i cant say it enough. i just want to scream it. i want to tell everyone how i feel. because i finally feel something positive. and i havent felt that in a very long time. i missed it. i missed him. but i dont anymore. i am happy. I AM HAPPY. i. am. happy.

i know there is more that i need to say. but i just dont know what else there is. my mind is full right now. by the way, thank you to all of my friends who are worried about me. i dont want to seem like i dont care about you guys and like i dont care that you worry about me. but i just, i dont know, this is a path that i have chosen. and i am well cared for and there are lots of people looking after me right now. so if anything bad does start to happen, i know others will get control over the situation before it turns too ugly. i love all of you guys, my friends. you are all wonderful. thank you so much. really, thank you.

please dont ever let me go. i know that is a lot to ask, after all the shit that i put you guys through.

<3 ~kitty

so i like these two boys. and i dont know which i would prefer to date. actually..no. i dont know.

200

my head hurts
my eyes are dizzy
my throat burns
my stomach is eating itself
this is what I am
and I love it
because I can't hate something
that is killing me
when I don't want to live

i hope im not the only one to read this

maybe youre right. maybe we will never be friends. sure as hell, we will never be what we once were. but you know what? im okay with that. im happy. i know ill never love the same way again. ill be more careful. ill be reserved, ill be better at keeping me a secret. i have you to thank for making me this way. but heres the thing, I WILL LOVE AGAIN. im never going to love someone in the same innocent and niave way ever again. but i will love. i will love with a mature, healing heart. i will love with all of my soul. im capable of changing and loving. ive changed so much since us. i love it. i will never go back. and im glad. im fucking happy right now. so thank you, so much. thank you for making me who i am. thank you for helping me through my darkest days. thank you for being so great for a long time. and most of all, thank you for being not so great to me these past weeks. you are what was shaping me. now, its my turn to decide what to be. thank you, for everything. i do want to be friends, but i dont think the me that i am now and the you that you are now will ever get along. so good bye. thank you.

day 3

dear parents,
i know it may not always seem like it, but i do loved you guys. thanks for bring me into the world.
mom-you understand me more than dad an i know you like me more than he does. thank you for always being there for me. you have helped me through so much and even though you dont know everything about me and we do fight at times, i consider you one of my friends. you are a great mom and a good friend. thank you. i love you.
dad-i know you love me very much but sometimes i think you dont like me all that much. which is understandable, im very different from you. as i am getting better i think im liking you more now i think you are liking me more too. i hope so, at least. i do love you dad. you are a good father to rachel and to me now. you didnt used to be that great with me but i think you are getting there. thank you for being a dad to me. i do love you.
mom and dad, you two really are good parents. i know im lucky to have you guys. some of my friends parents are not as great as you two, so thank you. i love you guys, a lot.